Connie : New Beginnings in 2020

2020 for me personally has been a blessing in disguise. In order to adequately explain 2020, it requires a recap of time period from end of 2017 through December of 2019. This was a time fulled with lots of stress facing career uncertainty, job instability, and experiences of harassment, gender discrimation, bias, and inequality. While it was not surprising (gender equality has always been an issue in tech), and nothing new, I was in an environment where the occupational landscape was traditional and had subtle, not so subtle elements of, spatial elevation of gender, race, and military stereotypes of dominance.

Early Morning sunrise to a new start

Past couple years have been probably the most challenging of my career, not technically, but environmentally learning to navigate toxic culture. I have had single instance experiences here and there in the past, but nothing that oozed the underlying pervasive undertones of gender inequality on a regular basis. These were lessons to learn and grow from. My insecurities were challenged, and my determination and overall capacity tested. I found the light at the end of the tunnel, but I won't say I made it out unscathed. It's okay though, because I have a greater sense of purpose in the role I play.

Society of Women Engineers Conference

The 2017-2019 two year period was a transitional time necessary for my next career move. I was severely over-extended and tired with juggling all that was going on. I was often sick. My fitbit tracker showed an average of 5.5 hours of sleep. At the toughest time, I was working two different engineering positions with two separate teams, averaging 50-60+ hours, hoping it would provide an option to transfer out of my group. I was also taking online classes with a weekly meetup group, Python Bootcamp, to expand my skill set to increase marketability. On top of that, I was actively job hunting and interviewing when I was not working. I spent all my non-work hours prepping and studying technical concepts for various rounds of interview with companies. I was also socially active in networking opportunities that would aid in the efforts - Athena, organization for Professional women in STEM careers, SWE - Society of Women Engineering, and Toastmasters, to practice public speaking. Throw on top of all of that the daily demands of parenthood to two young kids, and worries for a grandparent recovering from serious illness.

Opportunites came and went for various unfit reasons. Physically tired, mentally drained, I recall times when I drove home from work exhausted, crying, to come home and continue to be a mom, and not feeling like a very good one. Then I would throw myself into technical studying once the kids were asleep, into the wee hours of the morning. I was hoping that if I kept at it, the right opportunity would eventually come up. It was a tough time and inevitably had me question a lot of things - from analysis of my career journey to facing the toxicity of this environment and the insecurities it brought out, as well as if this was the right choice to continue? It takes so much away from other aspects of my life - time with family, focus on kids, what a mom "should" do versus my desire for career sucess. Was it worth it?

Support was vital, and I am glad I did prioritize to be a part of organizations for women in STEM. I met other women, in all stages of their career and in various STEM industries, that also faced similar issues. It is all too common in the industry and part of the unique challenges women face in male dominated work environments, not just engineering. There are so many stories and experiences that are similar, even though everyones story is unique as well based on their own individual experiences and environment. Many women leave the industry, a good 40% leave, because why would you run a race where you are set up to always lose? I can't tell if I'm stupid for playing or bullheaded to stick it out. I have mad respect for the women I have met that have been in this industry long term. You know they busted their ass and worked 2x as hard to be where they are. And even then there are stories.
https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2017.00875/full

Having a support system is key. I am lucky to have had some great mentors and come across other female engineers to exchange experiences and challenges with which have provided positive supportive which counters the negatives. Family that has been supportive.. then again, they had no choice. =P Ryan and kids endured every much of my ups and downs. Climbing, and outdoors, a big part of our lives, were my source of relief. Ryan would coerce me to go on trips regularly, because if it were my choice, I would have stayed home and continue to work or study or prep.

Climbing friends were there to laugh and drink the sorrows away. And drinking I did more often than not. Drinking temporarily brought back laughter and fun. It doesn't help the immune system though; I would often get sick after drinking.

A celebratory, last drink. Sober since Dec 19, 2019.

It matters to me to do what I can to pave the way for a more inclusive future for next generation, for Emilia and Liam. And when I say inclusive, that includes more than gender disparities. I do feel there's more at stake here than just me having a meaning job or career. It is important I share my experience and that the efforts will have some impact, be some kind of example, for a better insight in understanding and combating the pervasive subtleties of gender equality disparity that exists, not just in work environments, but in society in general.

Part of that starts with being proactive. Counter the traditional gender roles. Girls do not need to be sugar and spice and everything nice. Show equal representation. Show the next generation examples of women doing the tradional male dominant jobs. Be guest speakers and mentors. Share experiences to better prepared them, not to scare them, but to better equip and encourage. Not lately, but a while back, I had opportunites to do several guest lectures and introduce kids to engineering. I did not have examples or representation of women engineers growing up, not that I can remember. It matters that kids see women in roles like engineers, scientists, CEOs, presidents of organizations, doctors, firefighters, military, construction workers, etc. As well as men in roles like nurses, teachers, care takers, home makers, fashion designers, etc. (Yes. I knowingly list based on my ingrained biased impressions as well of these gender roles that stem from the pervasiveness of the bias from society in general. It is important to recognize our own biases and address them with our children. Their generation WILL be different than mine.)

Guest Lecture to 2nd Graders About Computer Engineering

I did another short month long mentorship with a group of kids, including Emilia, on electrical engineering concepts with fun experiments. This cumulated to an exhibition where they display the work. In the photo below, we have a lemon battery powered LED and an electro-magnetic train made with copper wiring and a AA battery. Missing from photo is anothe experiment exhibiting Lenz's law with a copper pipe and another AA battery (magnetic field created by an induced current, opposes the initial changing magnetic field).

2nd Gr Intro to Electrical Engineering Final Exhibition

I had a small subset of 5 students, 2 boys, 3 girls, with one being Emilia. While it is a small sample size, within my group an observable gender disparity aleady existed. The boys had already been introduced to electricity by having electronic toy kits or computers to play with, and so they would raise their hands, eagered to answer all my questions. The girls, excluding Emilia, started off with zero background. I nurtured their knowledge and learning moreso until I could observe their confidence and knowledge increase to answer questions and participate equally. Emilia, of course, was my most knowledgable student. But then again, she has an advantage of exposure from two engineering parents.

Exanple image taken from Homemade Wigglebot

Every child's final project, which was a simple robot design (called a wiggle bot), had to be designed functionally and astheticly. I am happy to say regardless of difference in knowledge at the start of the mentorship, they all built their own unique robots. Each child had their own idea and contribution that was great. Too bad there wasn't more time. If I had another week, I would have had them analyze their design and discuss what they think could make it even better, more stable or faster wiggle, etc, and then to rebuild a version 2.0. Because that is engineering. Always evolving and improving designs and processes.

My comment here for those reading, is to please give the girls the electronic kits, the build-your-own radio sets, the hammers and screwdrivers, along with the stuff animals and dolls. Don't subconsciously bias their interest, but instead expand their exposure. And for the kids that eagerly answer all the questions and know all the answers, teach them how to function as a team, to be curteous and share the spotlight. Teach them ealy on have EQ - emotional intelligence. To learn to give other people's ideas a chance even if they think their idea is the best. It is about learning to utilize everyone's strengths and inputs in a team. It is not about being the best or smartest as that becomes one-dimensional, lacking a diverse oversight, which can be a dangerous liability for being blindsided. I've seen it happen, a PhD that disregard analysis from others, only to miss a critical issue cauing company loss of lots of $$.

Luxtera/Cisco

Light at the end of the tunnel came in Dec 2019. Perseverance handed me an opportunity to continue in my niche area of expertise and technology, high speed electrical signaling, and now combined with optical silicon photonics. It is close to home; does not require me to move to Silicon Valley or Irvine, and with a fantastic, well-established team, with leadership and management that holds similar values and vision. It is a small division that was once a start-up company Luxtera, recently acquired by Cisco. To this day, I feel immense gratitude to the universe and everything that opened up this door of perfect opportunity to once again be working on exciting new, future technology, where my strengths can be an important contribution.

Okay. So that was a long recap, but the background is necessary to outline my 2 year struggle to not just find any job, but the right job in where I can thrive as who I am. This leads into 2020, a new opportunity. I fully believe in establishing a strong foundation and work ethics. Not only does it establish one's reputation from the start, but also my efforts to minimize any biases towards my capabilities or commitment as a female engineer and/or engineering mom. Note: my new work environment feels safe, a thriving environment. However my past experiences do impact me and leave a lasting insecurity that I work through the only way I know how, to be exceptional. And to be exceptional, it requires to put in that much more extra time and effort, to double and triple check data and analsis, to be so detailed it either generates high confidence or reveals undetected issues. I know I am an example for my daughter and others that come after me.

My goal and focus for 2020 was to do just that and with any new job,I was driven with 100% effort with excitement and passion for this new opportunity. I was learning the ins and outs of the company culture, learning the product, learning the processes and structure, and finding what I can bring to contribute. Engineering is always about that.. an endless cycle of studying, learning the latest technological advances and tools, and trying new ways to improve things, to solve problems. Once again, I threw myself into this next chapter. My mind and soul was re-energized, but my physical body was starting to rebel with the force of compounded impact from the past year.

Decorated my new office/cube

Data analysis and post-proccessing with Python

I have felt, for a while now, that my body was struggling. There were obvious signs. I was getting sick often and easily. I was always feeling tired; even after a full night's sleep, 8+ hours. Any kind of traveling, even day trips out to go climbing, would get me sick the next day. When I exercised, there was no energy, there was fatique, and I couldn't get myself to the same level of intensity I used to be. I would sometimes get sick the day after a workout.

Maybe it's age, I told myself. Once I get through this current project, I'll get more sleep, I also told myself. 2020 started off with me working lots and still pushing my boundaries. Time and schedules were still very full, and I have always meant to go see a doctor, just didn't get around to fit it in the schedule.

2020 has been a blessing in disguise, a much needed break. There is so much I want to do, new technology, to learn, but I had to admit it, I had taken on too much over a long period of time and was now dealing with the ramifications of exhaustion, physical burn out. Headaches, eye aches, and constant tiredness. 2020 lockdown forced me to shut down, reboot, run in blue screen safe mode (aka Windows reference). 2020 has led to cancelling everything else except daily priorities - work and kids. I've missed birthdays, weddings, babies, keeping in touch with friends and family, but I have had more time to connect with Ryan and the kids. More chats with grandparents. I sleep more. And I'm getting regular exercise; my energy is slowly creeping back in. This solitude of 2020 has been much needed. I'm looking forward to being fully re-charged (not there yet) and putting my energy back into making contributions where I can.